Don't be put off by offsets

Despite the recent trend toward Global Cooling across a big portion of our country, I've been fascinated by and have devoted a fair amount of study to the recent "pet rock" known as Carbon Offsets.

For those of you unaware of this marvelous trend, a quick synopsis: Imagine a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the Algores of the world who, after being exposed as the hypocrites they are in demanding that we alter our lifestyles to save the planet while doing exactly the opposite themselves, simply "purchase" Carbon Offsets from someone else (except in Algore's case, he has devised a system whereby he purchases these from himself ... I'll have to dig a little deeper to learn how exactly that works).

This "someone else" promises to do twice his or her share in planet saving so that Algore can jet around the world in private planes, employ armadas of full-size SUVs to travel sometimes as little as a block away and burn more electricity in his mansion than roughly 48 percent of the state of Tennessee (ironically exactly the percentage that actually has electricity).

The concept isn't really new; rather a spinoff on rich folks in the Middle Ages buying "indulgences" that, in the end, would enable them to offset sin.

The more I've thought about this, the more I like the idea ... although not for Global Warming, mind you. As I'm always interested in anything that could improve my quality of life, I've come up with some "offset" ideas:

Offensive offsets: I despise the notion of political correctness, anyway, but lately it's just become too time-consuming to keep up with. And these offsets actually grow on trees in California, so going forward, I'll be able to, for example, say "Merry Christmas" to anyone I choose or even feel free to speak English anywhere I go within our borders without the fear of stepping on toes.

Production offsets: I work with a number of other people who technically do the same thing I do, and I really, really dislike having to rush through my busy days and then drive like a maniac to get to work on time. I have co-workers who don't have families, don't have kids and/or live a heck of a lot closer to the office than I. So surely they can do a little more so that I can arrive when it's more convenient! Happy workers, after all, make more productive workers!

.10 offsets: I predict that these will grow rapidly in popularity, and since I rarely go out anymore, I might just get into the business. There's potential, after all, for extreme ... even grotesque wealth! (Of course, then there's the distinct possibility that Libs will hate me even more, but I think I'll manage.) Had one (or ten) too many drinks? Having trouble staying between the dotted lines? See lights flashing behind you suddenly? No worries! Hand one of these little darlings to the occifer along with your license and insurance card with the confidence that you'll be weaving your way home unimpeded (TREE!) in no time! That whole "designated driver" thing was a crock, anyway. I mean, why make someone else sit and watch you and your friends frolic when he or she could be spending a relaxing evening at home?

Bat Out Of Hell offsets: Same concept as above. I, personally, like to get where I'm going. And I'd like to do so without having to occasionally jam my brake pedal through the floorboard after spotting a radar trap. These will be easy to come by, too, judging from the number of jackasses who make a beeline for the far left lane because, apparently, sightseeing is optimal from that vantage point.

You Want It? You Pay For It offsets: Otherwise known as the Conservative offset. Lots and lots of Libs in this country falling all over themselves to provide social service after social service after social service in order to maintain and grow the welfare state ... and, of course, keep the greatest number of people as possible dependent on them. Well, I think I'm taxed plenty, thankyouverymuch. They want more money for these debilitating programs? They can have it! Long as they pay for it!

I'm just getting started on this project, and these are just a handful of ideas. Feel free to pass along some others.

(Imported from March 16, 2007)